* Getting by *
I am barely getting by right now, and I am barely getting by on many- many levels. The hardest thing for me right now is to remember that no matter what, I will always get by – no matter what, things will turn out all right and I will always end up with a halfway decent hair cut.
But seriously, did you ever get that feeling that if you took too deep a breath you would be consumed and that would be it, you would go under for good? Well I sort of feel that way right this second. And to add – it coincides with a dream I had last night.

I was on this race, like one of those team races, where we have to beat the other team to the finish, but it was like a Survivor Immunity Challenge or Reward Challenge. Anyway we were racing along some railroad tracks on mountain bikes, (only after having been in an airport for many hours trying to get a flight to the place where we ended up getting our mountain bikes???) and we were sort of racing along the tracks with a train behind us, well it ends up that the tracks end and you have to ride your bike off this jump and land to the right of the tracks. As it were I was picking up too much speed and I flew right on top of some huge tree – I was just hanging there and my bike was hanging on to the edge of my toes – I was trying soooooo hard to hang on and not let my team down. THIS IS WHERE I LINK MY PRESENT SITUATION TO MY DREAM – I JUST WANTED TO HANG THE FUCK ON, BUT I LET THE BIKE GO AND IT FLEW UP UP AND AWAY. LETTING DOWN MY TEAM, BUT SAVING MYSELF. At that point the alarm clock went off and I had to get up, but it was a good dream, a visionary dream.

I have to save myself. And I have to do it soon. I have let myself not achieve some goals, and have been lazy in relation to many things left undone. Setting limits and being disciplined has never really been my forte. As a child my parents always told me I didn’t have enough discipline, and they were right, I live too much flying by the seat of my pants and not enough for the future.

I can’t really talk about the specifics, but things are strained right now and it looks like we’ve come to another one of those crossroads that many couples come across. Crossroads and decisions are like battle lines drawn. It sets up the tone and direction things will go. How much to take and when to take it plays an important part. When to be flexible and when to stick to what you believe becomes the most difficult thing to do. And the only thing I can rely on are my past experiences and the lessons I have learned. I have also told myself to trust my instincts ---- time and again they never let me down.





Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
You've put me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead (singing)
Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple off my head (and a)
Trouble that can't be named, tigers waiting to be tamed (singing)
You are, you are

Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks (gonna)
Come back and take you home, I could not stop, that you now know (singing)
Come out upon my seas, curse missed opportunities (am I)
A part of the cure, or am I part of the disease (singing)

You are
And nothing else compares
Oh no nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are
Home, home, where I wanted to go