OH What A World

Almost a year ago one of our youth at work had T-Cells which were in in the low 20's. Viral Load was pretty high...very mixed up kid, as most of my patients are.
Today - a year in the making, i was able to tell him that his T-cells hit 180. And that was only after two solid months of taking meds appropriatly.

Although a monkey is running our country, it is a good world. One with hope. Thats all i know for today folks.

In your mouth, or in the toilet asshole

Picture if you will, my lanky self running in the wonderful Oktober air, listening to a hidden track from britney called "Guilty"..enjoying my bobbing head all the while. At the end of my 3.5 mile run last week.....thinking about how it's so nice to run and clear out the cobwebs a little....how nice to feel,,,,,alive.

As these many thoughts flew threw my head, i noticed on my right a man who...in very slow motion turned his head to the left as i started to approach him, the exact moment i passed him he rounded up a big phat phlegm ball from the back of his throat......projecting some spray on my face, and the actual throat booger directly on my right foot. FUCKER.
I always think that people should spit in seclusion, not all the time on the street in front of people, its gross, it's bad manners people...I kept running. My song was not done, and my run was heading into it's last lap. FUCKER.

one last summer shot 

NOTHING LIKE NYC TO REFRESH YOUR FAILING ESTEEM

So - we went to NYC for halloween night, actually in West Orange Saturday night - then into the city sunday. It was a blast, but i gotta tell ya, nyc makes me nuts for a couple days after i leave there. U see I wanted to move there, but bf and i did not concur on this locale, so we choose philly, since he wanted boston, we compromised. now i go there and see the fun it could be, and get all nostalgic for what might have been. Ultimately i know my life here is wonderful, and i would not trade it for anything (more and more i love our house and our life here) but i know that nyc would have been fun too. Perhaps too much fun for a couple like ourselves- so in the end i know the deal.
So in like - two weeks we go to this OUT 100 party in the City --- That means for two whole weeks i gotsa eat right, drink little and exercise my arse off. So for my own piece of mind.

Tally for today - nothing but coffee. so far.
I am also going to post some pics from our weekend.

BORING

I am not boring. I am not. I am just struggling with what to write here. There is so much to write, but so much that may fall under "too private". My bf does not really appreciate this here blog, but i think it's a good outlet to ............to what? I mean i originally wanted to tell stories about our lives together....i mean we could do that together. I dont really need my very own personal blog, so what if he wrote in it too? Nah - not for him i guess, at any rate, if i can't really write about us, then...thats 80% of my time, spent with him.
So that leaves me to write about daily observations and pop culture at large. So it is, that i shall write about that sort of stuff, with a pinch of daily dirt.

So yesterday we went to New Hope, PA. It's a gay place, taken over by heterosexuals after the gay turned it out and made it really pretty and coordinated. At any rate there are two bars there. One is called THE Cartwheel and the other is called THE RAVEN. Yesterday after we walked around and ate lots of terrible things (ice cream, pasteries, cookies) we went to the Raven as it was New Hope Gay Pride (odd right?) Well we actually had a good time - until we left, but thats another story. We met a few people - firstly i walked into the bathroom, there are three urinals - in the middle one is this man. He yelled "hey there hotty" as i walked in the door. Of course - as there was only three and he was in the middle, i ended up having to pee next to him. Only he wasnt' peeing - nope, he was just standing there with his member out in his hand, turning his head around greeting anyone who came in. he did this the entire time i was there, and showed no sign of stopping. That was the first person i met. As i came out of the bathroom i see that my bf was talking to two gentlemen. One was of asian heritage and came up to my bf's waist (bf is tall), and the other caller was tall and very smiley. Upon further discussion I could not verify anything the asian man said, it was tough to understand what he was speaking about. The taller man though, he...well let me say, they ended up being really really nice...very sweet and engaging. They were friends for the past forever years and they both lived in NYC. The taller of the two left for about a half hour to get his kitty punched, came back and left to go back to NYC. When I first met them - the taller one had this huge piece of ear wax sitting on his ear, when he came back from his love connection the ear wax was all gone. Sometimes it's good to clean out your ears with someone else's tongue.

Confus-ion

Unsure of what to do. Unsure of what to do, so unsure.
I am a position suddenly where I feel really uncomfortable - possible opportunities, one has opened up rather suddenly, and at first I didn't give it much thought, but the more and more I think of it, the more and more I view some real positive outcomes.
I stand at a crossroad, one that I had not anticipating being at for a very very long time from now.The timing is just terrible, but ....there's just something I can't let go of. More to come, i promise.

ummmm, hated the show....hated it so much that i had to run to the bedroom from the living room during the commericial to find which channel was bravo....it was so damn stupid, just like me as i had to watch the whole thing.  

MUSIC and it's Medicinal Powers

I just can' t believe how theraputic music can be. I mean i can believe it, because I have gone to the church of music all my life.....

.it started with Styx and Supertramp...my parents played them continually, between toking up and arguing.
Once I became more aware of female artists and my budding disposition to all things female, by 5th grade...I was listening to Pat Benetar every chance I could get. My Clone Sleeps Alone - that one was good, had no idea what it meant, but I just lOVED IT !!!!!
As time went on my tastes evolved and spread out..touching almost every genre...Heart, Phil Collins, Melissa Etheridge, Madonna....all the way up to Coldplay and Scissor Sisters. I just want to thank whomever is out there feeding my music addiction. i am a fiend and without you, i would be a dysfuncional, depressed......clone.

Once again I was riding my bike to work and my music got me through the coldness and the uphill peddling. It also helped me forget, if only for twenty minutes, the troubles that lie in wait when i take my glorious ipod earphones off.

Hey - have a good day, and listen to some old school david bowie..............


PS- I have to talk to you all about my current feeling of ..trouble ....in the gay community. I am disenchanted.

A true outhouse....literally had a hole dug in the ground....we went horseback riding and this was the facilities...good times. 

This is a gravestone in my mom's town, I found it when I was a little boy....oddly enough my entire life I have remembered the stone, as it has my name on it. It says FATHER NATHAN R. 1868-1924. My name is Nathan R.....I am not sure how i feel about it.........it humbles me. for good. 

OUTFEST

OutFest in the City of Brotherly Love was not for me this year. I was so hung over from the night before that i was almost having to throw up in the middle of the street. It has not been that way for me in a very very long time. It hurts mommy.

So..I was absent for a little while. We went on vacation to see my mother in Upstate NY. I mean really upstate, it was good fun, pictures will follow.....We also got to go to Montreal for one night, spent it at my fav little b and b...its just wonderful, so anyway...we had a good time, got to see many nice men.....at
The Stock Bar . Good times.
This past weekend we had a huge party at our house, more good times. Not sure what else to say right now, but i am hating Monday, hating it with a passion.

Have you ever? I mean......ever? I cannot stand how cute/sick this picture is.  

Charmed, I'm sure

So i can't shake something that i keep hearing on the tube. The idea that Busch has charm. If I have to hear one more time that he is charming, that he has charisma - I am going to .......well who knows, but seriously....what the hell is this, he is not charming at all. Compared to Clinton - he's a boring stutterbug - But i suppose the comparison is being made to Kerry? is that why people on the Today show keep talking about this charm ? Is Kerry Really that bad? I think not. I am, like the rest of us fags, getting really nervous about another 4 years of dumb ass.
I don't know what to think....so i am going to watch Kerry speak today on the University of Pennsylvania's campus. Printed out my ticket and everything.

Just breath - everything will be alright? right?

Ok - so i am confused. I am upset. I did not like this man on the Amazing Race, not at all. And then here he is as a model, looking pouty and .......well quite frankly - pretty good. It's just confusing me. Help me out please. Help...and hurry.





In other news, I played soccer last night and hurt, my legs is screaming. I loved it though, i scored twice, and it felt good after i went a couple weeks ago and someone kept yelling at me for fucking up. So anyway - fuck you back jack !!!!
I was at soccer last night though and had a really cool experience again. Throughout the whole two hours we were there, geese kept flying over head to find the south beach boys. I was not really expecting the winged species to be heading south already - but they are. The cool part is the memories which flooded me. I remember my high school days and the geese always flying above during soccer games of yesteryear. Pretty cool feeling. twenty years later and they are still going further south.

my question is this - what happens if they hit a hurricane in their travels? bye bye birdie i guess.

THANK GOD THEY LOST........YES THANK GOD !!!!! 

MUMS

So i just can't stop thinking about this show !!!! I want to be on it so badly. And i want to win it, or at least be dramatic and flip out like they all do. Actually I am shocked at how many of them are so easy going. Not me man. I would be all crazy and wacked out. Our friends say we would be "good tv". And there is no doubt in my fat head that this is true. It would be mostly fun. If not the Amazing Race, then at least let me go on Survivor. I think though that my digestive system would get the best of me, so i would be the first ever contestant to get voted off for a skanky ass !!!!

Manic is a good term to describe me today. I just look at everything and see happiness. Normally I would make myself sick, but today it's all good brother. All good.

THE BEST DAMN B & B in MONTREAL. 

Beautiful in Washington Square Park

There are times in life when the wind blows just right, the most perfect track is playing in your ears and the beauty is so clear it hurts your eyes.

That is what happened to me yesterday.
It was supposed to be relaxing and it was, more than i knew. Four of us got together in the park around 1pm and sat there for many hours. It was strange how well it fit. At one point, when i had begun to realize the atmosphere, I sat up and looked around. When i sat up
this song started playing on my ipod. The lyrics are so moving by them selves, but mixed with the 67 degree weather, the breeze which made you feel colder than it was, and the way the sun shone in my eyes, I had a moment. You know those moments. They make it all worth it. I took inventory first of my surrounding, and then secondly of my ilfe...... at that very moment. First i saw the other groupings of people in my immediate area. The twhite 30- something couple who were both reading and falling asleep on and off again, the white dude and african american woman who, as my friend later put it, "are happy just being together and doing nothing", and then lastly the sorta hippie sitting alone playing his guitar.
PS- dont' forget the music playing in my ears - slow, lyrically driven ballad.......

Then i started to look at who i was with and what i felt. It felt good. It felt right, and i have not felt that in a while. And i was beginning to worry a bit. But it fit fine yesterday. My K behind me reading the paper, my friend hil and steve just being. It was fine. fine and good.

The cool breeze continues today. making for a nice season for sure.

In other news, my good friend chuck is getting us invites to OUT's 100 party. Can't wait. It should be fun, can't wait at all.
Our white water rafting party was cancelled due to the rain. very unhappy about that.







If you can depend On certainty
Count it out and weigh it up again
You can be sureYou've reached the end
And still you don't feelYou know about anything
Do you know you're beautiful

SLUMBER

How decidedly amazing is it to sleep in the cool autumn air. ?????? With the fan blowing cool air inside through our nice new sheer curtains flowing all around. It is nice I tell ya.
It would be better if I didn't keep having dreams that the funding for my job was cut and I was let go.........that would make the cool autumn night air better. It would.


Supposed to go camping and white water rafting this weekend. I think the camping is being scratched out by mister rainman......but i do believe we will be rafting, it is going to be so much fun. Wish me luck.

So i was reading someone's journal to find it brought back some memory for me. It was a memory of a VERY awkward weekend.
Once upon a time I was at a bar in DC called ...holy shit what was it called???? Backstreets or something like that, (what a loser I am - spent many drunk nights there and can't recall the name.....) well anyway I was there with my friend Charles - who said to me "we are leaving in a few minutes and if you aren't ready I am going home without you - which would suck since I lived in Baltimore at the time. Well just about the time he said that to me, a dapper young man saw me and started making eyes at me. Soon...Charles came up to me and said - let's go. and he started walking out. Needless to say - the dapper one was a flight attendant from London with Virgin Airlines. We exchanged numbers and I ran out to jump on my ride home.


Soon we are talking trans ocean - I suggest he come to see me. He does. It does not go well. At all. And he had taken a plane from NYC where his flight had landed originally.
IT was the worst. We just did not hit it off, rather I didn't dig him at all. It was bad. He ended up leaving on Sunday morning before I got up....Just goes to show you - i interviewed a good deal of frogs before I found, rather, I caught my K !!!!!!!

This'll be the last time ! ?

Sometimes it takes a village. Then sometimes it takes an intervention. One way or the other, self-discovery is an ugly thing..... at first, then it becomes something you can embrace. I, however am still in the initial ugliness. In an attempt to remain somewhat anonymous, I have to be cryptic.....sorry...but in an effort to enjoy my cocktails too much I have lost the meaning of stability on weekends. Nothing too scandalous, just a realization that there is more out there. There really is. I know it. It's not all about the martini. Although altogether wonderful, might be not great for me all the time. I am feeling particularly bad about this weekend, and want to erase it. Its a tell tale sign. I know. I know. I know. I. Know.
Anyway moving on, the weather is amazing, the music is good and I know that my anxiety will go away, but to what end is my question. ??

PS - I hate SPAM mail. and POP UPS.

MAN BROTH

Last night blew me away, I can't tell you how much I am obsessed with Scissor Sisters. They were incredible. I also discovered their web message board and saw that Jake, the lead dude, writes in there often, which i cannot believe. They are going to sky rocket to stardom i think, that is if the American public can chill about the whole gay thing.

I can't stand how wonderful it was. HOT !!!!

MAYBE NOT A GREAT DAY

Today is ng. (not good)

For starters. I am wearing all black today.
How nice, minus the fact that they are three different shades of black. Shirt. Pants. Socks. All different. Because. I. Can.

It's raining out, and hot. It's a little baby drizzle of rain. The kind that makes you sweat and shizzle all over the place. I had to take the train to work today. Which means I walked a bit. In the rain.

Tonight I am going to try and see the shit at a bar called the Khyber. I can't get tickets but my friend knows the dude who makes up the guest list for the night. Keep your fingers crossed kiddies.


So. It's fun for us to watch this show because it's around the corner from our house. I watched them film the whole 4 months. It's interesting, in a very third class way. I can't lie though. I liked the attention they put on our city. Now that the show aired, I think MTV made our city look pretty damn good. I know that Philly has gone through some tough years, and it's still applying the polish. But it shined nicely last night. Which isn't to say that the cast isn't annoying. They are. But. They are fun too. The entire show was about homo's. As I am one, I can say it was mildly annoying. OK OK, more than mild. Strike that. Karamo is exclusivly one of the most annoying people, so far. Sally is making such a stink about being a not so gay, gay man that I found myself wanting him to be straight. Oh well We'll see. Go to Bump and kiss someone and shut the fuck up already - miss elliot.

In other news the weekend was fun. We did a lot of house stuff, which have already improved our quality of living by ten thousand. I am vely happy.

This week is busy. We are going to SIX FAGS errrr. Six Flags for gay day on Friday night. It should be a good time. A party on Saturday and my little concert tonight should be fun. ENJOY


and P.S. - no need to tell me about my color blind outfit today if you see me jumping off a building..... CIAO

SUPPORT

So....every Wednesday night my co worker and I run a support group for all of our patients, only around 10-15 come every week, a good turnout i suppose...but anyway....last night we had a really good, really great group. The focus on the group was what they thought about disclosing their status to people they have sex with.....without going into too much depth, i have to say....our youth need more education and more support regarding their sexual lives , along with a little bit of self-esteem based responsibility.

ouch


on other news, there will be no trip to NYC this weekend, as we are bound to philly for someone's employment duties. Oh well, better off anyway....we can always do without a dose of drama, and lord knows, get us to an all night party and drama is a passenger side guest.


Although if somone is reading this and does not know what to have gotten me for my birthday....Elphaba wants to see us.

IMMEDIATELY, so let's go to NYC soon.

LABOR INTENSIVE

What to do and what to say. The weekend is fast approaching and plans are either made quickly or they slip away. Several options are available, none of which are better than the other - which ultimately makes for a difficult time all around. Not great at making decisions, not great at sticking to them either. So the time has come to decide. Stay in town and do sorta ...same stuffish stuff? or go to NYC for Sunday night at THIS ? our friends go pretty often and think it is just fantabulus.......which ..i have to admit, it do sound purty damn fun. It's been a while since we 've been to NYC, although, the RNC being there is a definate downer. I hear its just horrid there. Not to mention the obvious and apparent strain a night of DEEP NYC could do to one.

On other notes - I watched Nip and Tuck last night and fucking loved it. What the hell have I been watching. Rebecca Gayheart (spelling has to be wrong) was on it too. Ever since JAWBREAKER I have loved her. I loved everything to do with that movie. So underestimated and underappreciated. All the fags loved it though.

THE ACTIVIST IN ME & MISS TOXIC

So I have come to view this whole election as a new process. I have always known the importance of voting and electing the leader of our country. Why then, does this election feel so different. It is ...isn't it? The mounting opposition to this pudface in office currently really isoverwhelming. In a way that makes me feel motivated to move.
To move my ass into a more political way of thinking.
At my age I think a lot of people move towards a more adult way of looking at the world we live in. As though the world we live in can be so so so influenced by outside forces. Maybe it's because of the whole gay marriage thing, or the idea that someone like GWBITCHFACE could change our constitutional rights.
My job is also influenced by the presidency and the support which the Administration may or may not give to HIV/AIDS causes. I attended a conference in May in Washington which really focused on Advocacy for HIV money. It was wonderful to be a part of, and also motivating. (can you belived i went to Rick Santorum's office to advocate?) Since then I have logged onto news sites and followed things a little closer. I think my advocacy will only get stronger over the next couple of years.

Just to catch everyone up _whoever everyone is___ I work at a very top notch Children's Hospital as a Case Manager for Adolescents with HIV/AIDS. It is a very rewarding job, at times it can be repetitious, but rewarding all the same. I plan to talk about my job quite a bit in my newly formatted blog.......my job along with the pop culture which i seem to be consumed with.

I mean.. Britney is working me out. I cannot wait to see what happens next.........and somewhere, i mean somewhere on this wide web i have seen an attractive picture of this Federline dude.

Is anyone else addicted to this ? It is just the most stressful show I have ever watched. It also lets you look at parts of the world that I might never see...on top of watching people just totally wanna kill each other. k and i would be very very .....well Toxic on this show. Good TV, we would be good tv.

How frickin insane is this critter? 

Envy 

Camping 

So this is how we look after a Polish/Ukranian wedding !!!!! 

New Start

Just trying to get myself back to basics with this blog. Its been a tough rode to get motivated to do this, as well as some grief from K about sharing our private lives online, so I have decided to revisit my purpose - like so many people do when they are blogging. I find it cleansing, but also understand K's point. So I just have to figure out what and where I want to go with this.

Our lives have been moving along quickly and taking no huge unexepected turns. The usual bump in the road and the usual care to fix the damage. But nothing too big. How is everyone else?

2318. That is the current site meter reading. Increase..Increase

Redemption

I know, what a long time in the making. It's been a while. For some reason i feel propelled to write a little snik snak. A small bit of me wants an outlet that yeilds some sort of interaction with the world at large.
Lately I have been feeling smaller than myself. Smaller than the world. and i am not sure just why. Life just keeps on truckin, making a new path each day, but each day is decidly not feeling new. Like things are the same, over and over, but with a new month or day assigned to it.
Call me crazy.
I am.

This weekend was our 4 year anniversary. I got a huge huge huge thing of flowers when i got home on Friday. It was wonderful and very very nice. Things are nice right now. Our house is finally feeling like a home, and it gets better every day.
Hope someone reads me. I will have to do some marketing to get back some old faithfuls.
Talk soon, Nate

back to basics and 2004

Florida has a strong contingency of hicks. I was in Florida for Christmas, did the whole Orlando and theme park thing. It was a blast. we got some tan. but more than anything, i got more than my fair share of hicks. trashy dirty hicks.
But also, to be fair, i have been to South Beach and seen more than i could handle. so anyway, we are back, we have many many pictures from the vacation but more than anything i am looking forward to New Year's Eve. We have no, no no no plans at this point, but am waiting to find something to do, that's usually what we do.

I am on a kick now, i have one month to tone up my otherwist flab infested stomach. eating healthy, cardio and the works.
wish me luck.
Blue Ball is at the end of January, anyone coming to our dear circuit party in PHILLY? this year is going to be pretty amazing.

Roxie Hart, Bile and Florida frenzy

Well the weekend went well kiddo’s. Kev’s birthday was Saturday and I threw him a little party. It was well worth it, our first real party in the new house, it felt good since we have put so much time, money, blood, sweat, and tears into that damn place.
Now we have our blowout holiday party next weekend, of which I need to get the invite’s out…UGH.
The only down side to the party was the fact that all day Saturday I had to fight the urge to shoot vomit out of my mouth. And I had a long ass day Sunday too.
I went to see Chicago with my mom, aunt and grandmother. Then I had to go shopping with my mom and say goodbye to her. That always sucks. I miss mom, I mean it’s tough with her being here because your just not used to another person being in your space, but I still love having her and it’s always shitty to see her go.


On another note, we will be spending our Christmas in Florida, somewhere near Tampa and Orlando. I am actually excited, but we need to find some cool gay hotspots to go to. Any suggestions?
Kev’s parents are flying his whole family down and we’ll be staying with them, needing to get a little time away from family….a week is a long time to spend in close quarters with someone.

Wish for Color


I am under the weather as it comes to be. I can’t stop coughing. I feel like shit. I hate it.
Just in time for the holidays.

So this weekend we went to see Rufus Wainwright at the Tower Theatre here in Philly. Good stuff, he was really great, I mean, totally devoid of excitement, but a great performer indeed. I liked it, didn’t love it, but liked it.
Then on Saturday we went to a friend’s birthday party. He rows on a crew team, many cute kiddies were at the party, but it was definitely two crowds. Gay and not gay, not in a discriminatory way, but just in a way. IN a way indeed.

My mother comes tomorrow morning, it will be mucho fun and I am totally happy about it. We sorta have tried to get the house together, it’s sorta almost there, but not just quite all the way. It’s cool though. No big deal.

I want an IPOD, but I have to get a better computer before I can get one of those damn things.
So how is everyone doing?
I want to format a new site, to make my site nicer, but i have not one clue how to start going about that. Any suggestions on how to start ?

DUDE

It's not that I feel suppa fly or really cool all the time. And at one point in my life i desperatly hated the way one sounded when they said "Can you pass me the salt, DUDE?" or "What time is it DUDE?" or "play with my tit DUDE".
Dude. I always hated that expression.
I say it constantly now. All the time. Every couples minutes. Help me. Send me a sign that this is not ok. Do it now. I will be alright. It's me against the DUDE.

Anyway, i went to Ikea last night. My man and I cannot agree on anything. I want fresh new solid colors for rugs, he wants Asian. I want blur curtains for the Conservatory, he wants nothing to do with it. i just want to have something come easy. Alas, it does not. I will deal with this too. It's me against the compromise.

We go to visit his parents this weekend in VA. We have to get more furniture that they had stored in their house. The very last thing we need is more furniture and more junk, not that his stuff is junk, it's not. But we have so much stuff............and we have a lot of room, but lord. lord lord.

why the f is up with Paris Hilton, not just Paris, but why are they both so large? what is going on with all that. I can't stand it, and honestly, i don;t think they are attractive at all. not one bit.

but who am i?
thats
a
loaded
question.

FOAMING AT THE MOUTH

I am foaming at the mouth. and it's not over a man, it's not over a drug. It's over Sarah M's new CD. I am a 15 year old girl trapped in this silly body of mine. No really, i am inTUIT. I love music lots, and this new CD Afterglow is good. without being too critical ...it's good.

thanks . agree or disagree. don't care. trust.

The reason i choose to use this phrase "foaming at the mouth" is because we went to a function last night where this old man was ---- this old man who HATES me. and at one point last year this man was yelling and screaming at me so loudly, in such a rage ---that the bitch was foaming at the mouth.

So tell me...do i have any readers at this point?

Contemplative Stucco


Much has changed since our last meeting:
Update.
I got 1. my license to do private practice 2. a new job 3. a new home.
Yes yes yes.
All the above happened at about the same time. Dramatic as it were. Kevin and I bought a house, gutted it ourselves and renovated it. It has been three months and it’s almost together. Not at the point where we can host parties yet. Almost though. Almost.
IT has been a challenging couple months, personally as well as with kev. We have pushed each other to bad bad places, but not as far as I thought we would. It has worked out. It really really has. And we are stronger. Buying a home and demolishing it yourselves, putting it back together yourselves, and being disgustingly dirty for two whole months will just make you stronger.
Stronger than yesterday.
More to come kids more to come.

Well we are going to be in NYC this weekend. We are , we are. Surprise to both of us. We weren’t planning on going to the city this weekend, but last minute our friend is letting us stay at his place…he is going away for the weekend. His place is in Hell’s Kitchen. Fun.

The reason we are going is because a lot of our softball team are going for a tournament up there, in central park. At this point we are not going to be playing, but you just never know. You just don’t know what will happen.

We have also scheduled a week in P town for the first week in August. How wonderful. How grand. It is going to be just the thing I need, and he needs.

I scheduled my test date. It’s mid july and I am worked out about it. I have to pass the licensing exam or else I will feel terrible about myself. Just terrible. Wish me luck dammit.

We continue along our bumpy road, and if you want to compare it to others out there in the blogging community, our boring road, to finding a home to buy. I must tell you though, at age 30 I still do my fair share of naughty stuff, this is the naughtiest of them all. I hate, hate, hate going into some broken down home and smelling other people’s ass.

Rain rain rain. Fun fun fun.


Fuck you rain. Why did you eat the sun?

The olson twins are becoming way out of control. How long before you think they turn against their parents and sue them for misappropriation of money? Just curious.

So this week, we started our house hunting again. Without having settled things with the broker. So we really don’t know what and how much we can truly afford. But all in good time I think. The supposed magical broker that we are being paired with is on vacation for a week. Lucky dog.
We haven’t really found too much that we love, although I think its going to happen, I think we can find something that just needs a little fag o lisious. No doubt, and oh yeah, Kevin can deal with the fixing and contractors if that needs to happen. The most problematic thing for us right now is the fact that the neighborhoods are really hard to judge. An investment is one thing, and then your own comfort is another. Center city is laid out pretty strangely, the underground transport sucks, so that leaves buses,,,,,,,,,,,,,yuck. We have cars but parking is such a bitch here. We’ll see, I promise pictures once we get all set up. If and only if you promise not to stalk us.


I am going to post some pics from last Sunday. Frozen Margarita. Turn people into NUT BAGS. I can’t post some of the pictures, but some ass was shown and some ass was grabbed. And some ass was plowed. Oops.



I promised myself that I wasn’t going to drink until this weekend and last night I broke that promise to myself and it’s making me feel very………….weak. We went to a dinner engagement and I also promised to eat an apporptiate amount, and not feel so full that I could not move the right way. Well I did good with the food, which was delicious, but I couldn’t resist the Shiraz. Oh me oh my.

Alright kids, gotta get out of this pop stand. Hope your weekend is wonderful and we’ll see each other soon. Does anyone ever come to philly?

The saddest song I've got.


I have tried several times to write and entry but each and every time I get muffed up with too much detail or too much thought while trying to write. That is how my brain is working as of late. All boggled and boodled.

Fire Island is where I want to spend my summers as an adult. I love it there immensely. I am meant to be there.
Everything turned out for us actually. We got there in time to catch the ferry; we actually got there in no time flat, no traffic and no issues. So all my worry and fear were, once again, in vain.
A quick synopsis for you.


we get there and down two cocktails while we wait for the ferry. My friend Deanna also met me there to say hi and chat while we wait for the ferry. This is a friend from many years ago and she now lives in Long Island right near the ferry to Fire Island. A couple years ago Deanna and I were at a bar in Baltimore, we spent a good three hours just drinking like fools. Lots of Tequila from what I can remember. The bar closed and we went outside – on the side of the building there is a ravine, the sides of the ravine are concrete and the actual water that flows through it is about waist high. Well we were drunk and the call of nature came. Deanna said “I gotta pee” well she walked into the wooded area and the next thing you heard was a scream and then nothing. What ended up happening was that she stumbled backwards off a drop of about 9 feet and landed on her skull and then rolled into the water faced down - unconscious. It took me about 30 seconds to piece together what was going on and I ended up rescuing her and basically saving her life. She ended up with some major surgery needs as she crushed her skull, but she lived to tell about it and holds me in close care till this day for having been there to save her. It was fucking scary. Anyway we got to see each other for about 45 minutes and that was wonderful. So that night as we got on the island and just went straight to the bar for high tea, with our bags, dogs and everything. We ended up feeling pretty good, but didn’t sleep much that night.

Friday was sunny and warm. I got up and ran about 3.5 miles and it was fantastic, so beautiful…I was in a really good place during my run and have not been able to stop thinking about how it felt, how the air smelled and how brightly the sun was shining on me and my little piece of heaven. The day was perfect and we spent all of it in the sun. we got really tan and looked very good I must say. That night we went to lo and high tea, came home and ate dinner – kv passed out before he even ate dinner. I stayed up a while and checked out the island some more – some of those houses are just breathtaking.

Saturday found me feeling a little bit under the weather and a little bit nasty. I was tired and hadn’t gotten much sleep. And then the rain came. All day long, it poured. From 9am till 8pm it rained and rained and rained. We ended up skipping tea and having delicious cocktails at home while camping it up and being mean to one another while playing games. We then went out dancing all night long. I checked out at one point and kv kept his end of flirting with others. It worked me out a bit and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. My insecurities are working overtime and this is part of the reason why I am feeling out of sorts. Anyway we ended up walking home in the morning light. (on the way home we saw these deer, they are all over the island and they just walk right up to you- well one of the deer had a broken leg. It was very sad.)

Sunday was my bottom out day (and I don’t mean in a nasty dirty way either) I felt so bad and worthless Sunday – I just wanted to curl up and do nothing, I basically did. I was comforted by everyone else’s state of awfulness too. I didn’t want to leave and felt some sadness in having to leave. The ride home was fine enough, not too much traffic – except in my mind.
So here I am back in Philly trudging through my work week. Hating almost every minute of the day when I am at work. We had people over last night for a bbq. Yesterday the weather was beautiful and we couldn’t help but make a lot of bad for you food. It was fun, now we brace ourselves for more rain, more miserable weather. It has been so bad here with the weather. People are actually really depressed because of it. Lethargy is rampant because of it.


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Listen to the new annie lennox.

PINES

Its not as though I forget to write here, I just sorta feel it some days and some days I don’t. Is it worth it? Yes. When I write I think it helps me to feel better and to understand myself. Not that it matters, I will never understand myself. Mostly the past two weeks. I can’t seem to get it, I cant seem to locate my inner peace. Everything pisses me off, and I am just not pleasant to be around. I am not letting things slide off me, instead I act like a stubborn jackass who wants to stand up and fight for my every last right. And its just not worth it, I waste so much energy making my little face scrunch up that my Kiehls facial moisturizer is working overtime – wait, am I gay?

So anyway I gotta get out of this thing I am in. I am hoping this weekend will allow for that. I am hoping that I will have some fun and not just mask my contempt for my position in life right with silly and mean comments.

We are going to FIRE ISLAND Thursday night. There are so many things to work out before we go, but anyway, I am promising myself, and promising kv that I am going to try and not be such a spaz. Its just that when we go away we both get a little worked up and the situation for our trip tomorrow is likely to yield a good deal of stress. Take a look:

Scene: We will leave Philadelphia at 4:30. The trip, without any really bad traffic is slated to be a 3 hour trip. The last ferry to Fire Island runs at 8:50 Thursday night.

Do you see the dilemma? Do you see the possible issue. We may miss the damn ferry, but we so desperately want to get there, that we are going to make that risk, take that risk.
Luckily I have a friend who lives nearby so if we have to stay there we can. I tell ya………anyway.
Fire Island here we come. Party hardy. We will find ourselves again. We will. Sometimes we get lost, but we always do find it again.


This past weekend I was alone. Kevin went away. I was bored. Not much to do.

From Carrie Bradshaw:

People say that sometimes life is what happens when you are making plans. Sometimes in NYC life is what happens when you are waiting for dinner.

In relationships, what is it that we are fighting for?

The thing about getting your needs met is that when you get them met you don't need them anymore.

The Ice Is Thin, Come on Dive In


I had the most fun, yet most stressful dream last night, and of course it felt like it went on forever.
I was on Survivor. I have no idea what continent I was on, but I was on Survivor and I made it to the final three. I was like, totally talking to the cameras and hatching out my strategy. It was soooooo fun. At the same time I can recall this feeling of total anxiety. I was sooooo afraid to get kicked off; I wanted to make it all the way man. I was ready. But I woke up after one of the challenges was to find my mom and dad?? well needless to say I woke up crying because I could not find either one of them. It was totally freaky dude.

We went to see the Matrix Reloaded last night. I liked it. I did. Sorry . I think I want to be neo, or trinity.
Which ever,
I
don’t
care.

So usually KV and I go away for this weekend, this year we are not. I don’t’ know why we didn’t make any plans. This is our anniversary weekend. We met three years ago on Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. I was tweaked out singing at the top of my lungs to Sting’s new remixed “Desert Rose”……………. We locked eyes on the dance floor and that was that. It took no time at all until we were rolling around in my single bed at my beach share condo. That was that. Finalized. Done deal.

Noah had to go to the emergency room for pets on Wednesday night. We came home from work and he was acting like the dog from “There’s Something About Mary,” you know after it had eaten some uppers or something. Noah was running through the house, unable to breath correctly, scratching at himself like a mad man – and basically scaring the shit out of us (whenever we would move he would begin to run around the house). We waited to see if anything changed, but it didn’t. So we took him and they observed him for two hours. He had a small fever and his breathing was messed up. The vet thought he might have eaten something bad. We took him home and he kept my ass up all night long. He could lie down. It was weird. We gave him some Benydryl, he slept a little bit.
As we were literally walking out the door to go to work, he puked everywhere. The stairs are carpeted. Guess where he puked. On three steps. Kevin stayed home from work to be with him. He’s fine, big baby.

Let me go back though. I seem to have left something out of the whole experience. A couple of things to be exact. On the way home from work that night it was raining, when is it not raining, and I was in a total state of harmony. Absolute peace and it felt wonderful. The sound of the rain on the tree and umbrella sounded so nice. I hadn’t felt that way in a while.

The second thing is the timing. We decided to take Noah to the emergency room at 8pm, right when the American Idol finale started. Fine, no big deal. We get to the animal hospital and they have it playing on the TV. Fine wonderful. I got to see Kelly Clarkson. I sorta like her. At exactly 9:52 PM the Vet came out and said, “Noah’s parents please follow me” We missed the very end of the show. From the room I was in I could hear Rueben singing. Funny isn’t it?

And lastly I have to advise why it was that we both jumped up when the vet called for Noah’s parents (aside from genuinely being nervous that he was not going to be alright). The vet was from the gods. It was very surreal. All the while this man behind the scenes was playing and being attentive to our dog, and there he was……the bluest eyes. I feel a little uncomfortable talking about it. Regardless -he was hot and we both started drooling like we had contracted rabies from the Daschund who had came into the emergency room with foam falling on the linoleum flooring.

I listened to my Fumbling Towards Ecstasy today on the way to work. Goose Bumps. Memories. Tough times and good times. Songs that got me through the day and cried me to sleep. Good shit sarah. Good shit.

So I worked myself up into such a stupidly excitable mess over this party Saturday that I feel slightly embarrassed on the inside. Well I think it was a mixture of things. My mom was here visiting for the week and I had to say goodbye to her right before we went to the party. We were running very late for said party, and well to be honest I was just excited to get to the damn thing and party it up, down and all around.

The gents who threw the party are pretty wonderful. They are very well settled and are really quite interesting. They have two homes, one is in Philly and the other is about an hour away in the country. They actually refer to the country home as the “farmhouse”. At any rate both homes have been featured in magazines for their beauty……..we all know people who have this sort of life and fortune, but these two are good friends of ours, and they are just cool eggs. They look really young, and I think they are, but have wealth and great careers (and they have been together for a reported 17 years, so it all gets confusing to me). Well they invite about 180 people to this party. It is a dinner, on their lavish grounds, under tents and bar areas next to the heated pool and various other spots. Well, I was in such a damn twirl……….it was very funny actually. I just wanted to have the best time, and I did, but I wish I wasn’t so damn uppity and on the lookout.
Everyone sort of went their own way after the party and we ended up at someone else’s house near New Hope, PA.
I cannot tell you how amazing this second home we went to was. I am just speechless still. As a matter of fact I am not even going to talk about it. I can’t do it justice. What I will talk about is the strange interactions that occurred.
Well not all of them, but two things.

Firstly we ended up giving two of our friends a ride to the second house. It’s sorta stressful for me to verbalize or write about this, but these two are friends of ours, they often have parties and are always inclusive. Well…in my altered state - in the passenger seat - I was quite out of my body. Without more description I feel a tad bit embarrassed about my condition. IN the end I wound up being fine and even wonderfully entertaining, but I felt strange – in a Jim Morrison way.
The other thing. There was some dude/dudette there, not sure where he was from or who he is, although I know that I have seen him at a couple gatherings from the past. Nothing special. I caught him making a face – like sorta behind my back. Like he rolled his eyes and seemingly stuck out his tongue at me. WHAT THE FUCK?
So Beatrice - that made me mad. I said nothing and didn’t lash back, but it irritated me and upset me all the same. Me in my state and everything. Honestly dirty d. I guess I must have done something that pissed him off, I can do that at times, but I didn’t think I had. That was that.

Sorry for the weird post, but I had to try to get it out somehow, I guess this allowed me to process a little bit.

Have to see Matrix soon. Just have to.

I actually am not Obsessive Compulsive, but sometimes, sometimes – mommy - I feel really annoyed with my fear of the house burning. Freak.

To be sure. I am into my music deep right now. Just deep. So this guy actually makes me laugh a big fat amount. He is really really funny. Although I haven’t really pieced together his whole story, the stories are damn funny and his insight and attacking calamity are wonderful. A good read indeed.
So this weekend is crowed again. My life is crowded.
I like it. I like my life. I like my boyfriend a lot. He gives good love. It’s strange though. Last night as we were driving back from my grandparent’s house I was thinking about the way we are. He is cute as a 2 year old terror. It’s weird, I like loud music, he does not. I like just inviting people over for a bottle of wine, he can’t do that (we have to have a plan and we have to have appropriate supplies as well as a completely clean house - these things I could not give a rat’s ass about) I like to have the windows open at night and be cold, he wants an electric blanket (despite the white trash value to it). He can take a nap at any given minute; I take ambien to sleep at night sometimes. He eats all day long and eats anything he sees, I am not impressed with food most of the time and get chipmunk cheeks if I eat too much. I think that independence is a good thing, he’ll argue that he does too, but when I go to the mall alone, he calls my cell and for two days he’ll complain that I wasn’t home.
IN general we are very opposite. In general it works for us. In general I think our differences are complimentary. In general we are two boys – who like the same body parts on the same gender – In general we snuggle and fit together better than anyone I have known. The cuddle and warmth of our long legs entwined sold me, despite the mortgage rate. Despite the trade offs. Despite the need for speed when one is slow. In general !@#

I didn’t mean to write all that, I really didn’t. Funny the things that whip your ass without a moment’s notice.

Dear friends of Ode to Maybe,

I am writing today to admit to some demons which live within me, to share with the blog community my daily struggles and battles with compulsions that I cannot withhold any longer. Each and every day I wake up and within and hour I know that I will be faced with a vice which I cannot shake. Actually not one, rather three very bad things.

They cripple me, cause me to be late for work and make me trace my steps repeatedly every single work day.
I present to you my variable compulsions people- in no specific order.




Every single morning my obsessive compulsive anxiety disorder draws me in until I have run up and down the stairs sixteen times and checked the iron to make sure it hasn’t tipped over and the heat from it has produced an inferno in the den:



unplug the coffee pot and checked it four times and the last time pulling it completely away from the power source (just in case the wire to the pot started to dance and be drawn into the outlet



and lastly check and recheck the door to make sure it’s locked (mind you I have three doors to go through to finally leave the home).






Each of these in their very own special way make me nuts.
I have come to understand that I am powerless over my compulsion, but I ask you – IS THIS ANYWAY TO LIVE????????????????

Ok so in the post from yesterday I am in the blue tank and kv, my evah loving boyfriend, is the shaved head. These pictures were from a party we went to on Saturday. We actually went to Baltimore for it. I lived there for 5 years before moving to Philly with kv. SO this party was fun and then we went to the local club in Baltimore. It was cool to get there and visit with the gals. Whenever I go back there it somehow feels like I have to impress. When I lived there I was quite the DC party boy and was always running with varying social circles – some of which I regret and some which I hold dear to my unbeating heart. But really I liked my time there, I should say I liked it most of all after my break up with the ball and chain.

Anyway the party was much fun – jello shots were soooo strong. Ugh. Of course lets go back 24 hours.

Friday night. Was fun. Having said that, Friday night was too much wine and ginatonica. We went to some friend’s house for some appetizers, cocktails and then went on to singing and dancing till pretty late. Haven’t done that in a while. Here are some pics from that night.


KVer and me. Smack down.

We had a long weekend to say the least. Man are we ever popular.


My mother is coming to town today. I think we may go to Great Adventure 6 Flags sometime this week. I hope so. My mom is young – all around, looking and acting. Well she is young. We are exactly 20 years apart – which means she’s only 50. This sentiment strikes me as odd on many levels. Not that she is so young, but that I have some gay friends who are just as old. It’s a little weird to think of that sometimes. Being gay has afforded me friendships with people who I might not be able to were I straight. Does that makes sense? Maybe not, but I have this vision that age in the gay culture is less significant than in a heterosexual context. But then again, there is that whole cult of masculinity, the popular belief that being old = being undesirable. It’s pretty prevalent. HMMMMMMM. Kv accuses me of shunning anyone who is not pretty and youngish. I call his bluff. I do. He’s wrong. On some level. He is just less discriminating with who he talks to and converses with. It’s something in his Southern demeanor that allows him to talk to anything with a heartbeat. It sometimes makes me look mean or bitchy, it’s just a difference with us, and since people automatically compare us – well he comes out looking like Liz Taylor in “National Velvet”, and Cruella DeVille seems to be the comparison I draw most. Not really. His friendliness can also become and issue for us in meeting new people or just walking down the street. You see fags can sometimes interpret a friendly smile or a warming “hey” as meaning “lets go suck bungholes and bump pussies”. Well this has happened on more than one occasion. And will continue to happen - Anyway I digress.

Part of our "busy as shit weekend" More to follow.

Scene:
We are sitting outside of a bar during a festival. Our friend had just driven and bought a pizza from another area of the city (Lorenzo’s pizza which is held in high regard by those here in Philly), which was very nice of him. One of our acquaintances came up to us.
Characters:
Friend – nice student at U of Penn. Good looking. Easy going, family comes from money. Great conversationalist.
Acquaintance - one of the top real estate agents for gay people here in the city. Everyone knows his name. Older and a little bit queeny. Ok a lot. Pretentious and quite full of himself.

Overheard Script:

Acquaintance – Oh look some pizza, let me buy a piece from you, nice and easy.
Friend – What a better service, delivered pizza right to the bar brought to you in a BMW.
Acquaintance – Whatever……….I have three of them…..BMW’s. How much for the piece of pizza?



This conversation has consumed me with a feeling of disgust. I think I have to be real with myself, my disgust stems from my seemingly aggressive feelings of repulsion towards that real estate agent. I have no idea why either. He is just so damn …………yuck. The fact that he identified his status symbol and saying he had three BMW’s, I just think its in bad taste. And he has this floppy hair and sorta cosmetic look to him. He threatens me in no way shape or form, but I think he is everything that I have come to identify as a bitchy, hateful, pretentious gay man. In my years of change and evolution I think that I am less tolerant of people I just know that I could get into an argument with in two seconds. He’s irritating in a way that sets me off. That makes me feel pissed off. Anyway – I thought that whole conversation was so gross and I wanted to share.

We went to see Identity last night and we both screamed like women. We are not like women, we are somewhat masculine, kv is totally masculine, but I tell you- you would have thought Lucy and Ethel were sitting in front of you at the theatre. The extra special twist in the plot was really quite good I thought. I just loved it. The acting was so so, but it was worth the money kids.

Not for nothing – but I have just been reading Toddo's bloggy blog and have found myself taken back by his candor and insight. Very refreshing and interesting. Honesty as well. I shall keep reading, if nothing to gain more perspective on how he feels so at ease with his on line presence. I yearn to bare all here, but it just doesn’t work out that way. For fear of the fallout – I mean some things are better left not being said.
But on the other side of things…..on some level when you enter into a partnership with someone, you sorta of loose the idea of having a best friend with whom you share yourself with unconditionally. I mean kv and I are best friends, we spend almost every moment together. I know this is not the healthiest thing on earth, but it works for us right now.
I do miss having best friends with whom I can talk to without any judgement. Most of our friends here are dear to us, and wonderful, but not the kind of friends I had when I was single, the kind that you will bare your soul too. Our friends here don’t know the two of us as individual’s really, they know us as k and n. which is fine, we moved here as a couple knowing no one really, so it’s fitting for people to see us as a package deal. But I miss individuality. I miss independence. Anyway I think the blog sorta is a small way in which I locate and assign individuality.

On to more pressing issues. The movies and musicians. Went to see Phone Booth . It was pretty good, not great, but nice to see Katie Holmes, I just love her, partially due to the whole Dawson’s Creek thing. I liked that too, sometimes, I know, fag here.
I know that I am on my way to see Hot Mutants as well. I only hear good things about it, and I do so love loud and big men running around, not to mention little Mystic with her sassy self.
Most of all though I want to see Identity. I am a total thriller person, love to be scared and love to scare others too, so this movie looks pretty damn good, and it got fairly good reviews. I am going tonight to see this one I think, can’t wait.

Having said that I cannot wait to see Matrix Reloaded. That’s all I can say. Can’t wait.

Music.
I have fallen and can’t get up. For the longest time I feel like I was stuck and that not a lot of music was hitting the right spots for me. That has all changed the last couple weeks. You see I am a really lyrically driven beast. Music moves me ……………a lot.

A long time ago when I was discovering my gay roots, I found this artist, this musician who’s voice made my p quiver. She later came out with some marginally popular songs. Anyway she has a new cd out and I think its pretty good. Check it out Chantal Kreviazuk I first discovered her in my stint up in Montreal. She is from Canada and very strong up there.

Next on the list:
3rd Eye Blind . Have you ever listened to a song caller Motor Cycle Driveby? It is from their debut album, and it moves me to tears almost every time. Perhaps because of it’s relevance to my recovery from the nasty relationship I was in at the time.
I used to be very emotionally attached to music and the power it had to help me recover, reinvent, create, or simply move through daily tasks.
Nowadays it still motivates and moves me, but not so much as in my times of need. Now I listen to a song like “ You can’t always get what you want” by The Rolling Stones while I am running and the sun is shining on my face – well that’s a good time I tell ya. A damn good time. I feel like I am in some cheese movie where I lived through a traumatic event and I was running even after everyone diagnosed me as non-runnable. Anyway……………………….

Third Eye Blind may have a little bit too much rock and roll in them for some people, but I just dig it dude. I do.

And then there is Madonna , Lennox …………..what is happening.??

I love it.
and it makes me want to get nasty.

Hypothetically: tell me what your code of ethics would promote you to do in this situation. (pretend you were a mental health professional).

A gentleman almost beat his daughter to death 6 months ago (self testimony). Recently his daughter’s friends had sex on a piece of furniture. The piece of furniture broke in half. Because he was fearful he would hurt his family in a fit of rage and anger, the man packed his bags, and took to the road. For two days he went to every area crack den, whorehouse, and seedy setting in a close proximity to his home. He admitted to having injected many things into his body. He has teenage children and a wife,– he also admitted to beating his wife, granted he states he hasn’t done so for sometime now.
Treatment for this man is needed immediately as there are several issues to consider. Safety for all involved. What would you do?



On another note. It’s raining again. Really it is. No joke, not pulling ya leg,
no
way
jose.
FUCKER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am so sick of this damn weather. The congruency with my mood is too much for me to handle., if the weather were to change, perhaps my mood would – if my mood changes will the weather? There has to be a break.

But really I can’t say that things are all that wacked out. I am on course. I will take my licensing test at the start of May to be a licensed therapist, will take my licensing test for Certified Employee Assistance Professional (CEAP) in early June. Things are on course now. They have to be, I only have a few more months to get my shit done before I turn 31, and that is the age I want to start living as an adult. I want to have created myself, or at least the honest baseline for the true me.

I may promote angst in this here blog. But things aren’t angst ridden. Not really. Everything falls into place, everything has a meaning.
Sometimes I just want to skip to the end of the tutorial to find out the purpose.
But I know if I did that then I would miss the point completely.

Check out these lyrics. Strong. Enough. I have cemented with these lyrics for many years now. Good or tough times.



i shall believe

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe

I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe

Your Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile.

I wake up this morning in a less than ideal place; my boyfriend and I are not speaking to one another, which is extremely uncomfortable as we sleep in the same bed and take showers in the same bathroom. Bad.

So as I proceed through my morning (which I sometimes have a hard time with on a normal basis – not the best person to be around in the AM) I begin to iron my shirt.
Ironing is something that I’m not really great at, as a matter of fact it may be the one thing that I hold my mother responsible for, she never sat my gay ass down and showed me how to make my shirt look like a Tom Ford creation. Anyway – I iron my shirt on one of those ironing boards that sits on the floor. Well, stupid me, I put the iron down on the rug, it fell over, and now we have a nice iron print burned onto the rug (not to mention shit melted all over the iron itself). The rug is replaceable, not mine (Kevin bought it) but from Ikea and its not a big huge deal, but man,……….what a way to start your day.

Ironically not too soon after that I have a particularly pleasant experience, actually I take that back, not pleasant – just introspective. I was walking to work, somewhat vapidly after having felt as though my world were falling apart. I was walking behind a woman – and she was an ordinary chick, nothing too special, but in the breeze that came from off her body and wafted towards my personal space, I smelled the most cleansing floral parfum. I just wanted to reach out to her, take her hand and thank her for being just about the only pleasant thing I have experienced since I woke up this morning. I didn’t though.
Maybe
I
should !!!
Maybe that stuff will get me where I gotta be. Maybe she would have bitch slapped me. True that.

When someone tells you that you make them want to vomit, does that mean they love you? Aw shucks you shouldn’t have. How much is too much? You commit to someone, because you truly do love them, but how much is too much – when do you draw the line. And how do you do that without creating drama? Oh these questions one faces in the mental health profession. I swear.


You say you don't feel like yourself
Does that mean you're somebody else
How would I know
Oh you say you just don't feel quite right today
Does that mean that you're slipping away
How would I know
You might believe there's a paradise
In the next hello
How would I know
If you don't tell me so
If you wanted to go
How would I know
You say you don't know what you're doing here
Does that mean you might disappear
How would I know
You might feel that there's something real
In the next hello
(how would I know : m etheridge)

I sat next to this woman in a meeting today who I loathe. I am still not over it, not even close to it yet. She is disgusting and I make myself sick thinking about it. She is a co-worker whom is working towards getting a license, the same as me, and we have to go through an advisement period of about 10 months. Its painfully boring and tedious. I don’t really have to see her much out side of that advisement once a week. Regardless it’s too much for me to handle.
What is the big deal you ask? Well let me just formulate a picture in your mind - what I focused on this last hour.

She seems to eat anything in sight, contributing to an already precarious medical issue. She has the form of a humanoid female Humpty Dumpty – and kids ---- I jest not . Not at all. It is sooooo Oval in the middle of her body that I am just ……sad for her.
Her elastic pants stretch out farther than her breasts and her feet. Her legs are freakishly thin and there is no other identified cellulite on her body.
This isn’t what upsets me nor disgusts me, at all. What wigs me out and disgusts me is that there are always crumbles of food on her stomach, always leftover samples from whatever she has been stuffing her face with.
This alone would be tolerable, but there is more. She is one of those peeps who apply her make up so messily that she has shit all over her mouth, eyes and cheeks. She also wears those fake hair extensions…….not the professional kind, (the kind that even I wish I had sometimes - not those kinds) but the kind you buy at Rite Aid or the Dollar store. She has little flakes of skin falling out of her hair and are visible in her hair. Said skin flakes also lodge a nest on her shoulders. So not only does she always have food on her stomach hump, but flakes and critters on her shoulders. To top it off, sometimes she wears mini skirts – and most of the time her shirts don’t cover her stomach hump therefore allowing for you to see a bumpy - thin line of flesh between the elastic of her pants and the bottom of her usually tacky, and dirty, shirt.

I am sad for her, it makes me upset that people sometimes appear to be so very discombobulated that it almost looks as though they may fall into pieces. Get this - she is a salesperson part time for cosmetics company- one of the top sellers for the company and has won a pink car in the past for performance. Or so the legend goes…………………………………………

Mother Nature is PMS ing.

Not sure about this week. It has this strange feeling, like its not actually happening. The cold weather is taking my ass over. My apparent intense appetite is consuming me, and all I want to do is call out of work every single day that I wake up.
Of course that may be because – for the first time in a long time my face broke out in some zitties. That’s right folks. I am a 30 year old man with blemishes – poor dear. On another note.
Nair for men. Fun for the special parts. Shaving is such a pain sometimes – I can bear with the smell, not great - mind you, but easy. Oh yes easy I say.

Did you know: Blood is perishable and has a shelf life of 42 days? Can you believe that. Blood actually has a shelf life. And only 42 days. Do we use all the blood though, I mean do hospitals through blood in the dumpster?

There is this co worker of mine, and good friend, who has the most unreal PMS every month that I cannot understand why she won’t get meds for it. She can get some Moodial Meds and just chill. She is pure rotten bitch. And I hate it. And feel bad for her, but jesus get a grip.

I am floored by THE PRACTICE. I just started to watch it, and I love it. I think it’s a guilty pleasure though – to go right along with the rest of my stupid shit. Ugh. No more tv shows please. No more. Dramas.

When I was in high school and elementary school -- gym class was painful during specific parts of the year.
Things like swimming, soccer, baseball, hockey those things were fine. I was actually pretty good at them, excelling at some. (I went on to be a lifeguard for 7 years, and played ice hockey for 9 )
Wrestling, cross country running, and the yearly President’s Physical Fitness test all created a feeling in me that I can now identify as dread.

Cross Country running was the very last unit to do every year. The run consisted of 3 miles. What the run meant for me was that I had to try to fake being sick every two days when gym class was scheduled. I was such a pussy about it. A full-blown pansy ass. I hated it so much it would almost make me cry. I know realize that it was because it made me come face to face with my faggotry. Failure to run was subject to lots of teasing, some from the gym teacher, some from the jock friends. Poor me. I had daydreams of being like Robbie McA and running it faster than anyone else in the whole bleedin class, but there I was walking the last two miles of it with all the girls and some random nerds who had no running sneakers.

The point of this really is to talk about my newfound running efforts – of course that was before I started to talk about gym class. Now I feel sick. Excuse me for a minute. Be right back.

Anyway I am running three times a week, 3 miles a shot. Just to start off – plus one longer run during the weekend if possible. As strange as it is, I mean all my life I have tried to be a runner, it just never clicked – until now dear. Suddenly I feel totally relaxed and at peace when I put my headphones on and run. Its good stuff man. Totally stress releasing. I can only hope I keep up with it, I don’t think it will be one of those things I quit after a month.

Diesel has me hooked – like a bad run with meth. I am stupidly blind to the prices. I am stupidly blind to the absurd nature of their advertisement strategies. I can’t get over their shoes and I certainly cannot get enough of this one picture in the new diesel catalogue.
Dude is wearing a square cut trunk,,,,,,,,,and you can see the whole trunk and nothing but the damn trunk, so help me god.

Philly is an interesting place. I have to talk about it for a moment, its my home now and I love it. It has almost everything you could want. The urban rhythm is a little off, not quite as paced as NYC (which I truly love) but honestly it’s getting better each and everyday. There is a party scene not that unlike other large cities, but I think there is a more “dinner and drinks” pulse. Throb. It good sir, it good.

Anyway – come visit us.

Madame Annie Lenox is coming out with a new CD. I sure hope its good. She’s as strange as she is a standout musician. Diva was a great “make me cry like a bitch and make me dance naked in my living room” CD – fit me like a glove. Great - just damn great.


What a read mister HCL is .......I have to give man props for being so dreadfully honest in his blog. But I can't seem to figure out what happened, the whole picture...What went down...did i miss something...But big ups for letting most of it all hang out...me ---?? I get nervous about saying too much, or revealing too much in this thing, but HCL says it all. And it reads really really well. I almost love it. But then I check back in and understand, some of what is going on for him is not lovely……….anyway. check it out.

So far today I have eaten total cellulite. I am mad at myself. I had a bagel with peanut butter and some shortbread. FPOS = Fat Piece of Shit. That is what I feel like a FPOS. Not really – at all. But I always feel such guilt when I eat something fatty patty.

Remind me to tell you about the ex gay priest therapist who sits to my right. Very interesting. His cat of 15 years died two days ago. The cats name was Carl. Carl the Cat. Not a good week for the good father, and I feel terrible for him. Anyway- remind me to tell you a little bit about him sometime – the stories a gay catholic priest has to tell.

I have no idea why this is, but I have been thinking about past relationships lately and the lessons I learned from them, I mean aside from the obvious things you learn --- what things did I really get out of them – things that -- when I picked myself up from the train wreck, I walked away with in a neatly packed - portable case. I guess I am thinking about this because I really want to enhance the way Kv and I exist, its a need, developmental need.

I had one other serious relationship, which now I know was based on a sexual and frictional attraction rather than anything emotionally true (we were just too young and caught up in the life). And for the life of me I can’t figure out why I put myself through a couple years of on-again off-again strif.
It was ridiculous, totally painful – although I must say it allowed for me to take off about 15 pounds of which I never lost after my undergraduate fraternity kegs. Oh, and I walked away with a lot of furniture – he felt guilty for what he did to me, so I got the goods. Mom didn’t raise no dummy.
So anyway I have been wondering what it is that I can apply. These are some initial ideas i rallied for everyone. me included.

Honesty. It's really important to have honesty in order to get happiness, and you dont' know about it until it's taken away from you.

Compromise To pick which battles you will go to war for - arguing about dishes just blows donkey dick.

Thoughfulness To always always remember whatever decisions you make – you are making them for two people, and my darling does not always like what I like.

THE BIG LESSON LEARNED TOO LATE THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Having said that. I have to talk about American Idol for two seconds. Reuben may sing well, but bitch makes me ill. Why does no one say anything about his stupid ass clothes? Love Kim Caldwell.
Thas all on that.

Check this out, it may be in a different language, but it's interesting all the same. Oh and did I mention
This is something I have been waiting to see.
Just to say that i saw it.
I did.
See
it.

I have the bug.
I have the “highlites” bug. All thanks to my drool man , I am in adoration of him. Last night I think he all but admitted his gayness to everyone. Oh my oh my, what I couldn’t……
but I digress.

It’s a happy day on the ranch today, I got up early and milked the chickens and feed the hay.
Spring Induced Euphoria (SIE). I got it. And its good to me. Good to me like an inheritance.

Today, and everyday, I walk to work and this woman tries to flirt with me, hardcore. I walk by her at approximately the same time every morning and she looks at me with such a smile and seductive upper lip. I can hardly look at her due to embarrassment and the fear that she may actually stop me and ask me for a French fry.
Not that I eat French fries. I hate them, but you just never know with woman these days, the strange requests they have.

I lost one of my favorite jackets on Saturday night. Yet another reminder of the ease in which my brain becomes numb. Stupid ass.
Check this out:
One of Kv’s best friends was dating some guy. These two are pretty much out all the time and known to all the regular party monsters, staying awake for days at a time, I am sure -- anyway without getting too in depth ----- apparently strung out and the bf came after our friend with a butcher knife. A BUTCHER KNIFE. And then called the cops, which was mostly VERY unpleasant for all involved, including the poor cops I am sure.


The moral: When you go out and party all the time, these things happen to you, these very bad things happen to you. And they are your fault and yours alone. End.

Dare to Discipline

I want this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!